I found my love when I was twenty-one. A good time to fall in love. We were then living in London….a good place to fall in love. Today when I am 72, my love is still her and I hope, for her, her love is still me. I do not know for sure for I can no longer ask her. Dementia has taken away from her everything that matters in her life….her ability to talk, to understand, to recognise and even, I think, to feel love….and yet I think my love for her is enough for both of us to keep living for each other. Tonight as I was giving her dinner, I think I told her that I love her at least ten times. Kiss her at least ten times for every time that I say I loved her, and even if she did not say a word to me, nor looked my way as I told her that I loved her….she looked contented.
I thought I could not love any one as much as I loved my father and my mother. I was wrong. I love my wife more, much more. The only cloud that passes through my mind every now and then is simply this….why, if God is good, if God loves us, if there is a God….why did God allow my wife be ravaged by this illness. Why her?
I am sharing these thoughts with you guys because these last few weeks, a thought has been constantly in my mind. And that thought? How selfish we all are….and that we, includes me. I love my wife so much because I need her love. I take care of her because it makes me feel good that I am taking care of her. I think of my love for her from the very beginning in London to today in Melbourne because it gives me comfort and solace to be surrounded by the nostalgia of time long past. It is all about me not her. Think of it my friends….the things you do for those that you love…..is it to make them feel good and loved or is it because it make YOU feel good and loved?
But these thoughts of my own selfishness does not bother me anymore because I know that in being selfish for my own needs of wanting to be with her and taking care of her, I am also taking care of her needs and her wants. And so we are there for each other after all. Life is good. I am grateful for what I have still…now…after all these years of marriage. May you all understand that over time, only love endures….nothing else matter. I love my wife.
I was listening to this when writing about my love.